Pardon for mixing my metaphors… but…
I am downloading five movies that people on Reddit reported watching more than seven times.
These movies are part of the culture, and I have missed it.
I am seeing, again and again, that I came to this party late… It was already going on.
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I have been observing myself as a spiritual practice. Trying to “remember myself” as Gurjieff would say it, call upon the “witness” or “observer”. Be awake. Either way, I have noticed something remarkable about myself: see if you can relate.
When I am in front of my computer* (where I spend most of my day) and I encounter something that requires the slightest push on my end, I see myself automatically going to the computer game of my choice, freecell.
I began observing this phenomenon about 6 months ago (it was there, unobserved, for many years). But 4 days ago I decided to employ “restriction,” which is one of Kabbalah’s main tenets, and see what will happen.
For about 36 hours I closed the freecell program as soon as I opened it. Then every time I was “awake” which means I was by myself and I was still observing myself. On the other hand, every time I was on the phone, or watching a video on my computer, or listening to an audio file, my attention wasn’t on myself, and I played… until I “woke up.”
Still curious, more interested in the experiment than conquering the force that moves my hand, I saw something today that is worth sharing.
Since I have started this blog, I have been watching how I somehow leak the energy that is necessary for creative thinking and expression… by talking on the phone, by playing freecell.
Every occasion when I need the little push and I opt to play instead, two things happen: 1. I have diminished the internal discomfort 2. I have successfully diverted my attention from what is important to me.
The first one is good, right? Who would want to be uncomfortable, after all.
Did you get stuck, ontologically, at a 3-year old’s level, and you are still behaving like a 3-year old child
Ontology is being science.
It looks at the grounds of your being. Here are a few examples: “I am an object in the world of objects.” “I am not free to be myself!” “There is something wrong and it needs to be fixed!” “Don’t tell me what to do!” “I already know!” “It’s mine!” “I am a girl” “I am not loved” “Life is dangerous” “I can’t count on anyone” “I am worthless”
Your life is built on the grounds of your being… like a house. You don’t like your life? Examine your grounds of being: the issue is there.
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As I have said before, your experience of life is limited, narrow, and quite defined by your culture, family, upbringing, education, and early experiences.
As long as your view of life stays the same, life will stay the same, or worse: it is a downward spiral.
So it makes sense to explore and employ methods that can expand your view of life and thus allow for a life that can go in a different direction, instead of the downward spiral.
The biggest problem we have in life is ourselves. You’d think it’s others, but it is really you.
We’ve met your enemy and it’s us. Get out of your own way! You are your worst enemy!
The sayings abound, because ultimately until you change, nothing will change. But how to change?
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If you can only read one book in your whole life, read this book. Especially if you are a woman. But it can be very fundamentally revolutionary for a man as well, except I am not a man, so I can only guess.
I bought this book, The Spiritual Laws of Engagement The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You together with the Nano: Technology of Mind over Matter.
Characteristically, to me, as soon as I got it, I did not want to read the “Engagement” book. I didn’t want to be engaged, i didn’t believe I can attract my soul mate, so why bother. So I lent it to Sandy, my neighbor, she is 38 or so, single, and desperate. Not me, no siree.
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I have written a bunch of articles about deserving. For several reasons, the most important is this: deserving is a tricky word… Is it a beingness verb, maybe adjective or is it a true verb, doingness? I hope I can hold your attention through a few articles exploring this ever so important word… Once you get it, you’ll know what to do. Because you cannot get what you want without deserving it… And if you do get what you want without deserving, what you wanted will kill you… Sounds like a puzzle… it’s a principle.
This article is a year and a half old…
I find myself angry.
On one hand you want. A lot of things.
On the other hand you think it should be handed to you. Because… why? You don’t know. But you see other people who have it and surely there is no difference you can see between them and you… and in many ways you seem to yourself better than those people who have what you want. You are nicer, prettier, maybe smarter, and yet… they are getting what you want, not you.
What you don’t see: you can’t see, what is invisible to you…
It is what is under the hood.
Ultimately, if I compared you to a lion, or maybe even a cat… you would come up short.
For the most part a lion or a cat can see what is important to them. Certainly there are cats that choose the wrong time to cross the street, and get hit by a fast car… but this doesn’t happen all that often.
Whereas you can’t see all the things you need to see to get what you want.
In fact you see only a tiny fragment of what you need to see. The rest: you fill out with your imagination.
I know you think I am judgmental. This is exactly what I am talking about. You don’t know the difference between judgment and assessment… I bet you don’t even know the second word…
In life you get what you deserve. Actively deserve. Meaning what you can and do work for… the value you create, in the world.
But because the human world is a lot more complicated than a cat’s world, you need to be able to recognize and correctly use, a lot more things than the cat.
You need to be able to recognize…
Who is a friend, and who is a foe.
What is useful and for what.
What works and doesn’t.
What is valuable for others and what isn’t.
What other people want… from you.
This last one is very tricky: you think you know. But you are way way off…
Actually, you are way off in every single area of life.
And I am angry.
You say: but somehow you earned a roof over your head and three meals a day! And yes, you have.
Our welfare system has set a rule that even if you provide no, or not much value, you are granted the minimum to survive… They take resources from more deserving people to ensure that you survive…
But that is what you deserve in today’s day and age: surviving.
The trouble is that you think you should have more.
The trouble is that you don’t deserve it… because to deserve it you need to be worth a damn.
“To get what
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Most everything you read on the internet, in books, on youtube, is b.s. Not true… a lie, or not the whole truth.
What do I mean by b.s.? I simply mean that they have a low truth value.
They can be a lie… misdirection, misleading, made up… etc. Not necessarily with a malicious intent… the speaker/writer is looking to say what they say in the mind, in memes, in books, in other people speaking, not in reality.
Unless it is your truth, experienced yourself, it is not truth. Truth repeated is a lie… Talking about flying isn’t flying. Talking about sex isn’t sex. Talking about integrity isn’t integrity.
Warning: this article is a stream of consciousness article, and you need to read it like a poem, or it probably won’t make a lot of sense. On the other hand it is very important to read, if you want a chance at having the rest of your life not a continuation of the life you have had… That predictable download spiral.
When your whole life experience is that others are more loved, more supported, more appreciated
I had a dream last night that rocked my world. Not in a good way… by the way.
I dreamed that my older brother achieved what I worked, unsuccessfully, to achieve for 26 years… and it took him only a few months.
I am able to tell how your life is working from your answer.
Your life is like a tree adjusting to the slope of the ground, striving to grow straight up towards the sky. Read on, I’ll explain later…
I woke up three times last night. Each time it felt it was too early to get up… but the third time was close to the time I set on my wakeup alarm… and yet, I didn’t get up.
I went back to sleep a little bit, dreamed, woke up again, and then again and again.
Every time I woke up I conjured up an idea, an image, a thought that would actually make me lift the blanket, and swing my legs over the edge of the bed and get up.
Nothing worked, until I thought: I will forever hate myself…
Then I found my hands move for the corner of the thick blanket, my legs were swinging…
So what happened? What was going on?
I tell you.
We are, all of us, are unconscious of what actually moves us.
The word ‘motivate’ simply means a force that moves… From there comes the expression: motive power.
We all have it, but we all don’t know it.
After all it could be so many…
Newton said that an object in rest will not move until a big enough force is applied to it to move it. And an object in motion will stay in motion in the same direction it’s moving, unless a big enough force changes the speed or the direction.
Obviously I paraphrased Newton’s law for us to see clearly that we are either in rest or we are in motion… and most of those states won’t take us to where we want to go.
Pay attention that the ‘want’ is inert. It is about as important in moving the object, you, as it is important how much face-paint you have on. Not.at.all.
Same with the other three imaginary movers, having to, needing to, and should.
So finding out what moves you, what has enough energy to move you or to stop you, move you and change your direction, is mandatory if you want to be your own person.
If you want to accomplish anything. If you want to have some semblance of power in your life.
Life, your base nature, others, are already providing a lot of forces… and for you to have an experience of being a person, you will need to have a say where your ‘ship’, where your life is going.
The two main inner forces are the move towards (attraction) and the move away repelling, or deterring forces.
But I am starting to see that you have a base nature, and those forces combine.
Your base nature is like a slope in the ground. It is not moving you to where you can be the best or where you can have your best life. In fact it is moving you down the slope… ugh.
Your base nature comes from your soul correction…
Let’s not argue if there is a soul or not. Let us not argue that if there were a soul it would be perfect.
Please consider the soul correction just an expression of an actual issue, a slope in the ground… a slope in the direction of being wretched. In the direction of never amounting to much. In the direction of desire for the
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